Fighting For Real

I have not felt like writing or blogging for quite some time.  As a pastor’s wife, it seems as if we have to keep it together, be the strong one, quote the scripture, overcome.  But lately, I have done the opposite. I have fallen apart, been weak, turned away from the Word, and succumbed.  In that barren place, I am bombarded with feelings of guilt, not measuring up.  A sitting duck for the enemy who lies, steals, kills and destroys.  And then as the Lord promises, he provides a stream in the desert in the form of a lunch date with a much wiser wife of a pastor who has walked this same path for, I believe, 25 years if not longer.  Our conversation included words such as pride, self-sufficiency, skewed views of Father due to our father, and I don’t know. 

I don’t know.

At times, isn’t that more powerful than the actual answer?  It tells us our feelings are valid.  We feel known, understood.  More importantly it permeates dependence.  Dependence on the one who knows all things.

We prayed. We cried. We got real.  I had forgotten what that feels like.  A part of it felt blasphemous.  A part, liberating.  God can handle the questions. God can handle real; God wants real.  God can handle the anger, doubt and fear.  The question is, can we?  It is too heavy to carry alone.  We need someone stronger to take the weight off our hands.  We were made to depend on Him.  And when we begin to walk away with the, “I’ve got this one” attitude the vinedresser comes with his shears.  One of my favorite authors, Ann Voskamp, blogs, "In the pruning of the branches, the vinedresser is closest, breath warm upon the leaves."  Instant comfort, knowing that He is close.  He strips away the dead, the sin, things that hinder us from blooming.  It can be hard, even embarrassing, as he begins to strip those things away.  We feel exposed, naked like tenants of Eden who have done something wrong, and so we hide. 

“Where are you Adam?” 

Why is that in there?  Could it be that it was written for our benefit?  Their lives, their shortcomings, their sin exposed for all to read and preach about.  The story that even unbelievers know.  The foundation of creation!  Our National Enquirer into the lives of the original fall from grace.  Yet as I work out my shortcomings, I walk away from my computer, Facebook less often, maintain empty conversations with friends in hopes that they cannot see my fig leaf.  I forfeit my opportunity to help others feel known.  To say, this has happened. This is the way I feel.  I know what it feels like to want to walk away, but something compels me to stay. You are not the only one.  I don’t know.

Real. 

This path is not easy.  But it is impossible if done alone.  I cannot testify to the Grace I received today if I am afraid to show the reason I needed it.  Lord help me to be real….