Beauty

Weekends.  A time to unwind, visit with friends, enjoy couch time with family, football games, and afternoon naps.  In a world that is plagued with going, going, going, doing, doing, doing there is peace that comes with a slow pace.  This weekend particularly, as I slowed my pace I found peace, but I also found an unexpected gift.  A gift called beauty.

Have you ever sat with someone you love and in an instant, in that moment, you experienced beauty?  Beauty, like your husband of over a decade looking at you like he did on your wedding day?  Beauty while sitting with a child and in a simple movement you recall them as a toddler? Or in a glimpse you see the sweet innocent face that you gave birth to ten years ago or longer?

Beauty.

Maybe the beauty I am referring to can be best described in the scene of a movie.  In the movie, The Passion of the Christ, there is one particular scene where Mary is running to catch a glimpse of her beloved son, Jesus, as he carries OUR cross to Golgatha. She darts into an alley and sees him just as he stumbles and falls from the weight of the heavy cross.  In that moment, her memory rushes to a previous time where Jesus, a toddler, falls down, and she runs to comfort him.  Beaten, bloody and in anguish, he whispers words that take our breath away, because they are so beautiful. 

He looks into her eyes and says, "Behold mother, I make all things new." {which, by the way, Jesus actually says to us in Revelation}

                                                                        

Beauty.

These moments of old, these times of the past, blow into our minds and hearts like an unexpected gush of wind.  Gifts of beauty sent to us by a loving Savior who, during his last meal with his disciples, urges them to remember.  "Do this in rememberance of me." 

When our lives draw to an end here, when we are about to step over into eternity, the jobs we had, the cars we drove, the projects we never completed, the friends we had on Facebook will be nothing.  We will hold tight to the gifts of beauty. We will hold tight to things like watching your daughter's hair blow in the wind.

 We will hold tight to the look in the eyes of a husband, who looks at you with the same love and adoration as he did watching you walk down the aisle.

We will hold tight to things like the way your son's tiny hand felt inside yours as you marveled at how something so magnificent could come from your body. 

We will hold tight to the one who makes all things, even old things, new again. 

Beauty.

Fighting For Real

I have not felt like writing or blogging for quite some time.  As a pastor’s wife, it seems as if we have to keep it together, be the strong one, quote the scripture, overcome.  But lately, I have done the opposite. I have fallen apart, been weak, turned away from the Word, and succumbed.  In that barren place, I am bombarded with feelings of guilt, not measuring up.  A sitting duck for the enemy who lies, steals, kills and destroys.  And then as the Lord promises, he provides a stream in the desert in the form of a lunch date with a much wiser wife of a pastor who has walked this same path for, I believe, 25 years if not longer.  Our conversation included words such as pride, self-sufficiency, skewed views of Father due to our father, and I don’t know. 

I don’t know.

At times, isn’t that more powerful than the actual answer?  It tells us our feelings are valid.  We feel known, understood.  More importantly it permeates dependence.  Dependence on the one who knows all things.

We prayed. We cried. We got real.  I had forgotten what that feels like.  A part of it felt blasphemous.  A part, liberating.  God can handle the questions. God can handle real; God wants real.  God can handle the anger, doubt and fear.  The question is, can we?  It is too heavy to carry alone.  We need someone stronger to take the weight off our hands.  We were made to depend on Him.  And when we begin to walk away with the, “I’ve got this one” attitude the vinedresser comes with his shears.  One of my favorite authors, Ann Voskamp, blogs, "In the pruning of the branches, the vinedresser is closest, breath warm upon the leaves."  Instant comfort, knowing that He is close.  He strips away the dead, the sin, things that hinder us from blooming.  It can be hard, even embarrassing, as he begins to strip those things away.  We feel exposed, naked like tenants of Eden who have done something wrong, and so we hide. 

“Where are you Adam?” 

Why is that in there?  Could it be that it was written for our benefit?  Their lives, their shortcomings, their sin exposed for all to read and preach about.  The story that even unbelievers know.  The foundation of creation!  Our National Enquirer into the lives of the original fall from grace.  Yet as I work out my shortcomings, I walk away from my computer, Facebook less often, maintain empty conversations with friends in hopes that they cannot see my fig leaf.  I forfeit my opportunity to help others feel known.  To say, this has happened. This is the way I feel.  I know what it feels like to want to walk away, but something compels me to stay. You are not the only one.  I don’t know.

Real. 

This path is not easy.  But it is impossible if done alone.  I cannot testify to the Grace I received today if I am afraid to show the reason I needed it.  Lord help me to be real….